Letters in the Night
by trobokian queen
Summary: When Edward leaves Bella in New Moon, he has a ton of time to think. Naturally all of his thoughts linger on Bella, and he writes her several letters that he'll never give her.
1. Reason

LETTERS IN THE NIGHT

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Twilight. **

Chapter One: Reason

My Dearest Bella,

I know how hard it is for you to understand why I have to leave, but you must know that nothing in this world would ever pull me from your side unless I was certain that it was in your best interests. Even then, I'm selfish enough to even put that aside just to be near you. I've already put you in so much danger by staying as long as I have, and for that I'm so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.

Do you remember me telling you that it was my job to protect you? This is me doing that job now; this is me walking away in order to keep you safe, for as much as I would never willingly be parted from you, I prefer to never see you again and know that you're alive, than stay with you and be the cause of your death. I could never live with that. It would be like sharing in the murder of an angel.

And you are an angel, Bella. You're my angel. You saved my life, or existence, such as it is, and filled my eternal night with warm and glowing light. You gave me purpose and love.

Before you, love was just a four letter word, something that didn't exist outside of novels, except for the truly deserving. Bella, I never deserved your love, so strong, so precious, and so pure, but you fell for me anyway. For a time, you even made me forget that I was a monster, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

I owe you so much, Bella, but all I have to offer you is death. Please try to understand. I'm leaving you for your own good, so you can _live_ and have a normal life, the life you would have had if I hadn't interfered. You'll forget about me in time, I know. Humans don't hold onto their memories as long as my kind does. And once you forget, you'll find real happiness, happiness that I can't give you.

But regardless of where your life takes you, I will love you forever, Bella Swan, and only you.

Eternally Yours,

Edward

******  
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	2. Believe

LETTERS IN THE NIGHT

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Twilight or the Edward quotes from New Moon. **

Chapter Two: Believe

My Dearest Bella,

I was thinking about our last moments together before I took myself out of your life, and I can't help but wonder how you believed me so easily. I told you I didn't want you anymore, that you weren't any good for me. You never questioned my lie once. I looked into your lovely brown eyes and I didn't even find the slightest doubt.

Bella, Bella, Bella. After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me? Where did I go wrong? How did I fail to make you understand that there is nothing more important to me than you? You are my love, my life, my reason to exist. Without you, there is no sun, no warmth, and no beauty. Is it that hard for you to believe?

Let me try to explain.

Bella, do you know what my existence was like before you? I told you before that my life was like a moonless night, very dark. I couldn't see anything, or perhaps there was nothing worth seeing, aside from the monotony of eternity and just trying to find a place to belong.

But there was no place for me to belong, Bella. Even with the full support of my family, solitude was my closest companion.

And then you came into my life.

Bella, it was like being blind and seeing the sun for the first time. There were no words to describe the awe and the sensation of that moment. Everything was glowing and brilliant like it had never been before, leaving no room for even the most insignificant amount of darkness.

It was then, when I had you wrapped up in my arms, that I found a place to belong, like my arms were formed from the very beginning, just to hold and caress you. It felt as if my dead heart had started to beat again, full of life and purpose.

And now everything is dark again, empty. The place where my heart should be is hollow, because I've left it behind with you.

Now do you see, Bella? Do you still believe my abominable lies, or can you see through them now, see the truth that I love you more than anything?

I can't exist without needing you. I barely survive a whole second without having you on my mind. You are the most beautiful, vital thing in my world.

I love you. I always have loved you, and I always will love you forever. Please believe me love. It is my only truth.

Eternally Yours,

Edward


	3. Eyes

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight.

My Dearest Bella,

It's already been a week and I'm beginning to wonder if hell could offer me a worse punishment than this dreadful separation from you, my love, my everything.

Do you know what I miss most about you, Bella? I've given it a good deal of thought.

I love the way you blush when you're embarrassed, your cheeks glowing red across your soft, fair skin. I wish I could reach out across the boundaries that separate us and touch them.

I love your hair, how it looks like a haystack in the morning, soft curls in the day, and how its splays out like mermaid hair across your pillow as you sleep at night. I love its constant subtle smell of strawberries.

I love your klutziness, and how I would always be lying in wait to catch you in my arms, never knowing when you were going to slip and fall. I love the amusing way that you'd seem to trip on the air, as if it was only for you that it posed a physical barrier. Speaking of which, I hope you're watching yourself, and being careful, Bella. Please, don't get yourself into any kind of accident or anything, not when I'm not there to rescue you.

I love how unpredictable you are, the way I never know what you're going to do next. Just when I think I have you all figured out, you do something that completely throws me off and I'm sitting, trying futilely to puzzle out the mystery of Bella Swan all over again.

I love the way your heart beats, again so unpredictable. One minute its calm and slow, like a sweet melody, and other times its wild and rapid. What I wouldn't give to hear its rhythm again.

I love the way you smile, how it lights up your whole face.

I love the way you talk in your sleep. I miss hearing you whisper my name in the night as I watch you dream. I miss standing guard over you, keeping all of your bad dreams away so that you sleep peacefully every night.

But most of all, Bella, more than anything, I miss and love your beautiful chocolate brown eyes, the windows of your soul. They let me in where my mind reading is barred so I can at least have some idea of what you're thinking. I love the way they spark with intuition every time I try to keep something from you (for your own good, of course, Bella). I love the way they sparkle when you're with me. I even miss the way they'd flicker with frustration when I'd frustrate you.

In a few words, I miss everything about you, Bella. If it wasn't in your best interest for me to stay away, I would have come back the same day I left. I wouldn't have left at all.

But I love you, Bella. For you, I will stay away. I'll keep you safe that way, and someday, when you have lived a long and full life and you…oh Bella, I can't even say the word, but when that day comes, I'll join you. I'll beat down the gates of heaven if I have to, but I'll join you, angel, forever, and there will never be any missing again.

Eternally Yours,

Edward

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	4. Love

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Twilight.**

**A/N: Special thanks to everyone for their reviews! I really appreciate it! It gives me the incentive to keep writing, so thank you so much. And without further ado, Chapter 4!**

Chapter Four: Love

My Dearest Bella,

While I firmly believe that there are no words in any language strong enough to tell you, how much I love you, I'm going to attempt to try anyway. It's what people do when they really love each other, isn't it? They spend their whole lifetimes trying to explain it and show it. I can't be there to show you myself, but at least I can attempt to write it for you.

Bella, do you remember that "almost accident" back at school, when I stopped the van so you wouldn't get hit? I remember seeing Alice's vision in my head just a few short seconds before it started to become a reality. I saw you die. At the time I barely knew you, Bella, but I had already decided that I wouldn't let that happen to you, that I couldn't let the van crash into you.

It wasn't just about saving a life, Bella. It was about saving you, about not letting you disappear from my world. Even then, I knew I couldn't deal with that.

I got the same feeling right after you cut your finger on mine and Alice's birthday present. I saw the look in Jasper's eye. He wouldn't have meant to hurt you, but he would have. And just like that, you would have been gone from my world, from my existence.

My family was able to save you this time (No thanks to me. I just made things worse, pushing you back too hard so that you were hurt even more.) but what was to prevent something like that from happening again? I couldn't have it, Bella. Can you understand that? You are too precious to me. I couldn't take that risk of losing you.

You are everything to me, Bella. Everything. Without you, everything is dark and empty and pointless. I continue to exist because of you. In a world full of cold and night, you are my golden, brilliant sun, bringing warmth and light. If I were human, you would be my air. I hang onto each thing you do and say, your smallest facial expression, your quickest breath.

That is how I love you, Bella. It's not some feeling or desire that drives me to you. It's not a choice. It's a necessity, a means of survival. Without you, I would certainly die. You are that important to me.

In nearly 100 years, I've never felt so alive, so full of purpose as when I was with you. And no one has ever haunted my every waking moment as you have. You still haunt me, Bella, even with so much distance between us, because you're in everything I am.

I'm not the same man I was before I met you. Loving you has changed me in a very permanent, eternal way, Bella that will never fade. My love for you will never fade, even if I were to let exist for numberless centuries after you were gone. There will only and always be you.

Eternally Yours,

Edward


	5. Wonder

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Twilight.**

Chapter Five: Wonder

My Dearest Bella,

As I sit here in the darkness writing, I wonder what you're doing right now. You're probably sleeping, or at least getting ready to sleep. I wonder what you're dreaming about, if you still whisper my name as you turn over in the night.

Of course that's perfectly selfish of me. As much as I secretly desire that you never forget me, I would never wish myself in your dreams. I want you to have sweet dreams, my Bella, not nightmares. I want you to lie down, knowing that you are perfectly safe, that no blood sucking monster is going to spy on you in the night or accidently kill you.

I wonder what your first thought is as you wake up in the morning and get ready for school. I wonder if you think that I'm a dream now. I've been gone a month now, and I was careful not to leave anything behind to encourage my reality. I wonder if you feel like you're finally waking up from a bad dream, with everything a little hazy and your real, normal life starting to come back into focus. Embrace it, Bella. Don't live in the dream. How are you ever supposed to be happy?

I wonder if you are happy, if you've found things to laugh about with normal friends who can't hurt you. I wonder if the pain I saw etched in your face the day I left has melted away. I never wanted you to be in pain, not because of me, not ever. Bella, you deserve every joy there is in this world. You're so warm and good, and special. You ought to have better than a life of perpetual twilight, never feeling the warmth of dawn, nor touching the stars of night. That's all you would get with me, Bella, a half life. What you have now is whole, and healthy, and full of opportunity. You'll see.

I wonder if you're keeping your promise to me, if you're staying safe. By now you probably realize that you don't owe me anything, that you're not obliged to keep your word to a monster, but Bella, please watch yourself, for your own sake at least. Try not to trip while I'm not there to catch you. Don't walk in dangerous places while I'm not there to save you. Ask Charlie to get you a new car so I don't have to worry about your decrepit truck breaking down and leaving you stranded in the middle of no where. I need you to do this. If anything ever happened to you…Just don't let anything happen to you. Please, Bella.

I wonder how hard it would be to leave you again if I were to come back to Forks. I wouldn't wreck things for you, Bella, and try to shove myself back into your life, but I'd like to see that you're alright, rather than hoping and guessing all the time. I'd like to see your face again and take in everything about you.

But that's a dream, Bella. I know I can't come back. I know I wouldn't be able to find the strength to do the right thing for you, to let you go a second time.

I suppose that your life must forever be a mystery to me, but I'd prefer that to you not having a life at all, because you are my life.

I love you, Bella. That's one thing neither of us will ever have to wonder at, at least. Sleep well, love. Don't torture yourself over this like I am to myself. And don't think of me. This is about you. It always has been. Just let yourself forget, and find a better place in this world.

Eternally Yours,

Edward.

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	6. Choice

Chapter Six: Choice

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Twilight or Midnight Sun. (There is a small reference from Midnight Sun.)**

**A/N****: I thought I would make this chapter a little lighter than the other ones. Edward has some time on his hands to really analyze things, and as much as he wants Bella to move on, there are a few guys Edward would rather her not get involved with. **

My Dearest Bella,

I understand that, given time, you'll move on and find another who will be the reason you blush and smile, the one who will make you laugh, and the one who will hold your heart. It's natural. Humans are constantly in a state of change; they're not meant to hold onto things forever.

I just need you to promise me one thing. Well, a few things.

Don't ever settle for Mike Newton. I have nothing against Mike, much, but he's not good enough for you, Bella. You deserve so much better. Mike watches you with an unwholesome hunger and desire that makes me want to backhand him against the wall every time I encounter him. Bella, if you only knew what he was thinking…

Mike pants after you, just waiting for you to give into him, but he can never love you with any depth. He won't even try to see into your beautiful soul. I've seen his mind. He's not the type.

Eric Yorkie is an intelligent, book-smart boy, but he knows nothing about life, Bella. He lives in a world full of equations, dates, trivia, and having fun in between. He doesn't know how to see passed those things. He won't be able to make you happy. And that's what you need, Bella, and what I need for you: to be happy. Moving on is the best thing for you, love—just not to Eric.

Tyler Crowley's too cocky for his own good. I'm afraid that if I discovered that you went out with him even once, I might be tempted to come back to Forks and kill him. His mind is far too juvenile for him to comprehend how truly special you are, for him not to see you as anything other than some kind of conquest or prize.

Austin Marks is out of the question too, Bella. He's a decent guy, but he's too easily swayed by his friends. He parties too hard and he might get you into trouble, trouble I fear you may not be able to recover from. No Austin Marks. Please, Bella.

I would suggest Ben Cheney, but he's already bestowed his affections on Angela Weber. He's a good man, though. Ben's steady and loyal, and he notices things. I saw him out with Angela once. They hadn't even been together that long, but Ben was already keenly aware of her moods and her looks. Find someone like that, Bella. Find someone who cares enough to notice the little things, someone who will always be there for you, like I wanted to be, but can't.

I'm not trying to tell you how you ought to live your life. I left purposely so that it would be yours to live. It would just be easier being away from you, knowing you were happy, loved, and in capable hands.

I'll always be jealous of the man you give your heart to. I'll envy him every time he holds you in his arms and kisses you. My heart will shatter a thousand times over, every time it's not me catching you when you fall, and drying your tears when you cry. But I'll still be thankful that you have someone, someone who will always be there for you the way I would've been if I wasn't a monster.

I love you, Bella. Be Safe. Be happy. Find love again.

Eternally Yours,

Edward

P.S. I've forgotten to mention, I must ask you to never fall for Jacob Black. I honestly don't foresee any trouble with this last request, but since you have the tendency to attract trouble, I thought I'd warn you. He's dangerous, Bella. Trust me, he's not for you.

**Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up, everyone! If you're still reading, tell me what you think. You know I love to hear from you! Tell me your thoughts on the irony of Edward's confidence in Jacob never becoming a love interest for Bella. ;)**


	7. If

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Twilight or any of the quotes used from the new Eclipse movie. (I used a little from the proposal scene toward the middle of this.)**

**A/N****: As always, I'd like everyone to know how much I appreciate your reviews. Please keep it up and enjoy Chapter Seven! ;)**

Chapter Seven: If

My Dearest Bella,

I wasn't always a soulless monster. I was human once, a true youth, full of dreams and ambitions, and zest for experiencing all the sensations of life and exploring every unknown avenue.

I wish you could have known me then, Bella. I was from a very different world than you know, an older world, but at the time I was living in it, it was all new.

The world was changing. Factories and industrialization were starting to take over, and the wealthy gentility was becoming obsolete. There was such extravagance and meticulous décor, billowing gowns and dancing, flaunted accomplishments and rigid etiquette.

You and I probably would have met at a grand ball, given in a wealthy family's enormous home. We wouldn't have even spoken to each other until we were properly introduced by friends.

I would have been instantly attracted to you and never once would it have crossed my mind that I might accidently hurt you. I would have solicited your hand for as many dances as I could persuade you to agree to, and I would have held you in my arms the whole night.

We would have made simple small talk, but through every witticism, all I would have been trying to convey to you was how intensely I loved you, that you moved my heart like no other girl in the room could. You would have too easily seen through my nonchalant façade, as you have always been able see through me. I'm sure you would have blushed, and I would have grinned at you, never once pondering the scent of your blood as it rushed to your cheeks. No, Bella, if we had met a century sooner, I would be able to tell you that you'd always be safe with me, and truly mean it. I would find a way to keep you protected and close to me for all my life.

I would have courted you, Bella, and we'd have taken many pleasant chaperoned walks together. I may have stolen a kiss or two, if I was feeling especially bold. Then, after an appropriate interval, decorum would permit me to approach your father with the request to marry you.

I would have gotten down on one knee, and professed my love to you, Bella. I would have beseeched you to do me the extraordinary honor of marrying me.

We would have grown old together, Bella, and all through our very long, full lives, you would never have to know about the darkness of an unnatural world of monsters and blood lust. You'd be so safe, and innocent, and human.

We'd have our children, like ordinary couples, and then be surrounded by our grandchildren, who'd look up at us and ask why we had so many wrinkles. And we would, Bella. We'd love each other through every one of them, through every last gray hair. That's the way it was supposed to be.

My dear Bella, if only life was fair. If only you knew me when I had the slightest prospect of being worthy of you. If only I didn't have to lose every good that was ever in me before finally finding my reason to exist.

Alas, longings cannot change fate; dreams cannot become reality. Likewise, no matter how deeply I love you, it will never change what I am, and it may not be enough to save you. I refuse to take that risk with you.

In another time, in another world where everything in the universe is properly aligned, we might be able to be together, but not here. Here I can only love you from a distance and ponder over what might have been.

Eternally Yours,

Edward


	8. Why

Chapter Eight: Why

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Twilight.**

**A/N****: Sorry I took so long to get this chapter up. My first year of college has kept me incredibly busy and I've hardly had any time to write. Thank you everyone for being so patient. I'll try to update sooner in the future. **

My Dearest Bella,

If I were to continue in my existence until the stars burnt out, until I had gathered enough wisdom to challenge the legendary Solomon, I will still never be able to comprehend how it was possible for you to love me. It seems to go against both logic and nature.

I know what I am. In every second of every day, I have never been spared the reality of my unnatural existence. My kind have been the inspiration of horror stories for centuries. We kill. We lust after blood. We move quickly and quietly, preying on the innocent and unsuspecting.

And I _have_ killed, Bella. I have tasted my share of human blood, even your own.

I contemplate my being every single day and still I have no answer for why whatever forces there are in heaven have not struck me from the earth. Perhaps the fact that I am still here is my punishment; perhaps the meaning of hell for my kind is being forced to live with ourselves for eternity.

To live with ourselves, in a world where we can never know true acceptance.

Where we can never experience trust.

Where all we have is the emptiness that fills our hearts in this friendless existence.

Even at a distance, humans sense that there is something different about us, something to mistrust, something dangerous. They stay clear of us, (and rightly so) even when we mean them no harm, showering us with frightened glances and uneasy smiles, prudently passing judgment.

That is what my hell was like, until you came and made it my heaven. You weren't fazed by my past or by my nature. You trusted me, not merely with your life, but with your heart.

You've given me everything, Bella. Every second that you let me hold you could've been the last, but you cradled yourself in my arms as though it was the safest place in the world. Holding you has been the joy in my life, the light in my darkest night. If we had stayed like that forever it still wouldn't have been long enough for me.

But why Bella? Why did you trust me? How could you, knowing what I am? When you discovered the truth, you should have run as far as you could from me. Instead you ran toward me, and you got hurt.

I have never deserved your love, and I deserve it even less now for allowing harm to come to you. I am a monster indeed if I can't even protect those I care about from myself, from my world.

I don't know what made you care so much, Bella, but for your own sake, you should allow yourself to let go. Bestow your selfless good heart on someone more worthy, someone who can protect you and someone you can love without sacrificing your soul.

I will always love you, Bella. And even though I couldn't stay with you, I've left you my heart to be yours until the end of time.

Eternally Yours,

Edward


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